Category: 2009
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This trip started with me weighing myself at 5 AM in order to determine the winner of a weight loss bet with my buddy who was going with me to Vegas. The bet had commenced two months prior and I began the bet at 233 pounds and ended at 189 for a total loss of 44 pounds. I won. Up $100 before I even leave for Vegas.

I drove to BWI airport and parked the car in long term parking. After a short shuttle ride to the terminal, I ate a huge breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and homefries. First real food in two months and man, it tasted like gold. On the five hour flight, I mostly watched gambling movies such as Casino and Rounders.

I landed at McCarran at around 10 AM and took the shuttle to the consolidated rental car place. I waited in a quick line at Enterprise and picked up my intermediate sized car. After picking up a case of bottled water and a bottle of Jack Daniels, I circled back to McCarran to pick up my buddy. I had a hell of a time figuring out which entrance he was at, but I finally found him after a bit. We immediately drove to NY Pizza and Pasta which is off the strip and ordered a huge pepperoni pizza and a couple of cokes. After dieting for so long, I could only take down three slices, instead of my normal 5. After lunch, we drove to the Encore to check in. Our room was not ready, so we left the bags in the car and started to gamble. The first bet I made was I took the $100 that my buddy paid me for the bet and I put the entire amount on the pass line, handed him the dice, and told him that if he won, dinner was on me. He set the point at 4, which is a tough one to hit, and the very next roll he hit the 4. Boom, up two hundred and dinner is on me. After that, we mostly played craps and blackjack, I don't remember any specific amounts or results, but I believe I broke even.

After we were able to check into our room, we downed a couple shots of Jack Daniels and headed back down to the casino floor to start some real gambling. We first hit the craps table and I noticed that there was a craps table that was completely devoid of players and it was manned by a pit boss and 3 dealers. It also had a "private" sign laid on the table. I asked a dealer at our table about that and he said that the owner of the Buffalo Bills (Ralph Wilson) was staying at the hotel and he liked to play craps alone, so they kept the table ready for him for whenever he wanted to play. I never saw him at that table during the entire trip.

We hit the craps pretty hard before dinner. I got a couple of $500 markers and ended up winning a couple hundred dollars. We drove off the strip for dinner at Firefly. I had been there before and it is always a great scene and pretty good food. I tried to convince my buddy to order the bacon wrapped dates stuffed with bleu cheese, but he said that he didn't like dates. I finally convinced him to try one and we ended up ordering two more orders. Seated next to us were a set of two couples who looked like two buddies who had picked up two strippers at the strip club, out on a first date (eavesdropped the girls talking about strip club stuff, you know, thongs, bongs and sneaky dongs). Towards the end of dinner, the strippers, on a dare, simulated oral sex on the two guys, right in the middle of the restaurant. But this is Vegas, so nobody really batted an eye, and nobody told them to stop. Did I mention that I love Vegas?

After dinner we went back to the Encore and I started getting in deep at the craps table. I started betting $25 a hand with full odds on the pass and also $25 on 3 come bets with full odds. I went through $500. Then another $500, then another $500. After being down $1500, I went on crazy monkey tilt. I signed a marker for $1000 and managed to run that up to back to even for the day thanks to a hot roll by some lady whose boyfriend kept feeling her up throughout the roll. Both of them were rocking back and forth from drunkeness, but I really didn't care as long as she kept hitting her numbers. After getting back to even, I decided to call it a night and we went to bed.

Next morning we woke up on east coast time and ate an early breakfast at Bouchon. Nothing like corned beef hash with runny eggs and two double espressos to get the gambling motor running. After breakfast we immediately left the Venetian, because that place has a sickly sweet flower smell that gives me migraines. At the Encore again, we hit the tables with no real stories to tell. For lunch, we picked up cheesesteaks from Pop's and ate those in the room with some Jack Daniels. We messed around at the tables for the rest of the afternoon playing low limit blackjack and craps (the previous nights scare was still fresh in my mind). We drove to Lotus of Siam for dinner and my buddy had to drive back because I drank too much Singha. BTW, me + beer + gambling = bankruptcy and divorce. And so it began. We got back to the Encore and I proceeded to ring up $3000 on my line so I asked for another $3000 to win that $3000 back(where is my MENSA membership card?). Luckily, the craps gods were pleased with me and I managed to get back to even. I was ordering a steady stream of Buds throughout the game, so I was drunk and went to bed.

The next morning we woke up and repeated the previous days routine of eating at Venetian's Bouchon for breakfast then going back to the Encore to gamble. We started out playing BJ at about 9 AM. Everything was going fine until I got bored and decided to order my buddy and I a shot and a beer. 5 shots of Jack and 5 Buds later, I am feeling pretty good. I decide to try out the pai gow table, and my buddy sticks with the BJ. He stops drinking. I do not. Lesson learned? He is smart, I am a moron. I switch over to Macallan 12. I played pai gow for an hour and my buddy saunters over for an update. I am hanging in there at about even, but the Macallans have me pretty gone. BTW, it is 11 AM at this point. He proceeds to watch me and I convince him to try some Macallan. He agrees to and does not like it. Apparently, some people don't like the taste of Scotch at 11 in the morning. At that point, I get the brilliant idea to move up to ordering a double shot of Macallan 30. As any scotch drinker knows, this stuff ain't cheap. The cocktail waitress (Who loves me because I am a good tipper when sober, and a crazy tipper when drunk), tells me that only a pit boss can comp Macallan 30. I have had a good rapport with the pit boss, so I ask her nicely. She tells me that she cannot, but she can charge the room and a casino host can remove the charge at the end of my stay. Even in my severely impaired state, alarm bells ring. So I ask the cocktail waitress, how much for a double shot of Macallan 30? She answers that a single shot is $120 so I do some quick math and cancel that order rather quickly. I salvage the mission by ordering a double shot of Macallan 18, which becomes my drink for the rest of the day, and also the reason that my liver looks like a raisin.

After the Macallan 30 episode, my memories get a little hazy. So the retelling from this point on will be a combination of my hazy memory and my buddy's much more cogent memories. I began playing craps for a ridiculous $50-100 a hand plus full odds. I was tipping the dealers $10-20 on every roll and the Macallan 18 was flowing like Niagra freaking Falls. At one point my buddy said he came over and I had three rows of greens, blacks and purples in front of me. I chipped up at some point and went and played BJ with my buddy. He tells me I was playing for $500-$1000 a hand. I don't remember that. Somehow the gods of drunken gambling smile on my debauchery and let me win 8 or 9 out of ten hands and I actually hit a BJ on the last hand with a $1000 bet out there. As I am chipping up to leave, a woman pops up out of nowhere like some kind of magician and hands me a card and introduces herself as a casino host. She lets me know that whatever I need, she can provide. I let her know that I want some lunch for my friend and I, and she says no problem. At that point I had been drinking for 5 hours on a semi-empty stomach. Of course I am so drunk that I never even take her up on her offer for lunch.

After that, I hit the craps table and I pretty much remember nothing from that point on. I remember a craps pit boss getting me a comp for the SW steakhouse for dinner and I remember one incredible roll by a woman who hit 5 or 6 points. My buddy tells me he knew I was fine because every once in a while he would hear me bellow "wooooooooooo" which rang throughout the entire casino. I was tipping too well to get scolded. Apparently, at around 8:00 PM we went back up to the room. My buddy tells me I was crashing into hotel walls the entire time back up to the room. The next part is told entirely from his recollection, because I blacked out everything after I got the comp to the SW steakhouse. Apparently, as soon as I got in the room, I ran into the bathroom, locked the door and made wretching noises. Then all he heard was snoring. He kept banging on the door and waking me up to see about dinner. Every ten minutes he would do this and I would wake up and say "I am still going!" He finally told me that the restaurant was closing soon and that we had to go now. I quickly said, "I'm not going!" So he proceeded to go down to the restaurant to use my comp while I slept on the sweet bed of cold flooring in the bathroom. At dinner, he became worried that I might not be ok (alcohol poisoning is not good) and he rushed back upstairs (Police: "Where were you when your friend was dying from alcohol poisoning alone, on the bathroom floor?" Him: "Um, I was using his comp in the steakhouse"). But good news, as soon as he walked in the room, he heard the sound of my snoring, evidence I was still alive.

My next memory of that night was waking up on the couch. At that point it was 4:30 AM but I thought it was around 8:00 PM. I was ready to go get that steak. I call my buddy's cell to see about dinner and he of course does not answer it, because he is asleep in the bed next to me. I realize this after looking at the clock. I feel rather stupid. I then use the bathroom and notice a large pool of blood, bile and unidentified liquid on the bathroom floor. Apparently I had thrown up stomach acid and blood the night before. Good times. I then checked my pants pocket where I found two stacks of banded $100 bills that totaled $10,000 and a stack of unbanded $100 bills equalling $2000. Before getting too excited, I realized that I had no recollection on how many and how much in markers I had signed in my druken state. I threw on my clothes and rushed down to the cashier's cage to check on any outstanding markers. None, nada, zilch. And if Steve Wynn made a mistake, too bad, it's all mine. I had somehow won $12,000 throughout the day while being completely drunk. Lesson? Drunk is good, sober is bad.

After a miserable breakfast where I could only pick at my food (my stomach was not pleased by my previous days work), we pretty much just killed time. We really did not gamble much, as I was concerned that I had used up all of my luck for the next twelve years. We ate lunch at In N Out and headed to the airport. And then back to real life.

I am going back next week, stay tuned for Debauchery Vegas 2009 part two.